Alone Together: The Paradox of Loneliness in the Age of Social Media

Loneliness is universal—we all have experiences where we yearn for connection with others. Momentary loneliness is normal, but feeling chronically lonely can negatively impact mental and physical health. According to a study conducted by the Harvard Graduate School of Education in 2020, young adults of university age were the hardest hit by loneliness from the COVID-19 pandemic. A 2018 University of Pennsylvania study showed limiting social media use decreases feelings of loneliness. This is perplexing, because the purported purpose of social media is to foster connection. Dr. Kimberley Brownlee, a UBC professor of Philosophy, studies loneliness and social isolation—so we turned to her with our questions.*

Why do we experience loneliness?

Loneliness is complex. One great book, titled Loneliness, by John Cacioppo and William Patrick, fleshes out what’s called the evolutionary theory of loneliness. Cacioppo and Patrick claim that loneliness is like other evolutionarily developed mechanisms we have, such as thirst, pain, or fear, to signal when we are under threat. These signals tell us to fix something. When we are thirsty we go find water. When we are frightened, we try to get away. Cacioppo and Patrick say that feeling that we are isolated is actually another one of those signals. It’s saying, “Reconnect, reconnect, you’re socially at risk”.

This analogy with pain and fear is interesting, because it helps to explain that our perception that we are isolated can misfire—in the same way that we can have phantom pain or chronic pain. There’s no trigger, but pain has settled in – it’s sitting with us. Loneliness can be similar. When it becomes chronic, it settles in and, instead of being a protective mechanism, it can make things worse for us, because we start to see social overtures as social threats. We become tentative, and we actually avoid the very thing that could help us: social connections. In the same way, if we become so hungry that we are malnourished our bodies sometimes cannot absorb food, and will throw it up, even though this is the very thing that ultimately would help us. 

“Chronic loneliness is a persistent, deep perception that you’re isolated. That perception is worse for your health than smoking fifteen cigarettes a day.”

Does the setup of social media contribute to feeling lonely? If so, what causes that feeling?

Psychologists are interested in how we feel and what we perceive, since what we perceive to be the case shapes our experience and our responses to that experience. If we perceive ourselves as isolated, if we have a settled perception that we are  not needed, people can do all they want to try and convince us otherwise, but we will feel adverse health effects of that perception. The way psychologists define loneliness now is in terms of a perception that we are isolated, and chronic loneliness is a persistent, deep perception that we are isolated. We might have this perception even when we are surrounded by loving friends and family, and having that perception is worse for our health than smoking 15 cigarettes a day.  

Philosophers are interested in whether we have an adequate standard of social connection, irrespective of our perception or feelings about it. Focusing on objective standards of social access is necessary to speak about social rights.  Any rights we have, such as rights that our society help us to be socially embedded, must focus on an objective standard of social sufficiency, and not our perceptions about our social connections: society cannot guarantee that we will perceive ourselves as socially embedded, but it can act to ensure that we are adequately socially embedded. 

When it comes to social media, psychologists are interested in our perceptions coming to this space and how they might change over time [i.e. social media].  For moral philosophers, relevant questions are: What social goods are available here? How nourishing are these social goods? How do features of social media, such as anonymity, cancel culture, or viciousness, affect everyone’s social opportunities? In short, the philosopher is asking “What is this space as a social space?”

Why do many people turn to social media when they’re feeling lonely?

Social psychologist Barbara Fredrickson, an expert on micro-connections and love, says that a better way to define love—instead of as a passionate attachment or a longstanding bond—is in terms of a micro-connection where we briefly connect with someone else in a way that our brains and bodies momentarily synchronise. This is just a speculation, but I wonder whether, when you get that ping of a text at midnight, or a reply to your tweet, or an email or some other signal from the world out there that someone is bidding to connect with you, that it’s tapping into that need for micro-connections. Social media can be addictive, and perhaps it’s partly because it reminds us that we crave connection and it seems to feed that craving.

There’s a growing body of evidence that shows that people who feel isolated are struck by the impression that nobody needs them. And so in addition to providing what feels like a  moment of connection, social media overtures also send a signal of: I need you, I think you’re worthy of engagement, I think you might have the answer, I think you’re worth my time. Those two things can give us the impression that social media is a place to go for social connection. 

A question that is important to ask, though, is whether social media gives us a meaningful approximation of the sort of good connection that usually comes with being in the same room together. We know we can connect emotionally with online content, if we watch an emotional movie, and if we are sensitive people, we will probably tear up a bit. So the fact that something is digital need not undermine its emotional pull. But to what extent can our social media encounters replicate our in-person encounters in their depth, quality, and emotional tone? How much can they approximate face-to-face contact, and then fill our need for social connection?

Do you think there will be a time when users will or can go on social media and not feel lonely?

Sherry Turkle explores the idea that, through social media, we seem to be ‘alone together’, relying more on technology than each other for social connection. On social media, we are in the double position of being alone in a space—we can have a sense of privacy and protection—and yet feeling plugged in. We can feel connected and ‘in the know’ while also invisible and safe. Social media seems to feed these two competing social urges for social-knowledge and for safety.  

Social media is still very much in its adolescence. If our social media experiences could approximate much more closely our in-person experiences, then maybe some of the Wild West feel of social media, and some of its social poverty, would be diminished. The closer social media gets to being akin to in-person contact, the more our ordinary social norms of respect and courtesy may come into play. We have to put a better face forward with each other in-person, and so the closer social media comes to being like in-person contact, the closer it will be to a good social environment. Now, someone might say, “Well actually, there’s a sort of special usefulness to the minimalism of social media—sometimes we just want to reach out a little without taking on everything that comes with regular social interaction.” The problems begin when that little reach out becomes our main supply of social nourishment, and when we presume that it has the same value as in-person socialisation. This is when we start to miss something fundamental for social creatures like us.

* This interview has been edited for brevity and clarity

Dr. Kimberley Brownlee is a Professor of Philosophy at UBC, and holds the Canada Research Chair for Ethics and Political & Social Philosophy. Amongst other research, she studies loneliness and social isolation. Dr. Brownlee graciously sat down with us for a conversation about the connection between social media use and feelings of loneliness.

 

 

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Do you think there are ways in which social media benefits the life of the user? Do you think that making out social media interactions more like in-person interactions would improve the experience? We would love to hear your thoughts! You can find us on Twitter and Instagram @DTatUBC, or respond in the comments below!

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Written by: Eden Solarik

Edited by: Alex Kuskowski

Feature photo: Created with DALL-E 2

Special thanks to Dr. Brownlee for taking the time to be interviewed for this article!