Illustration courtesy of Defne Inceoglu.
One day in December 2018, in the throes of the tail end of my first semester of graduate school, I examined my iPhone’s Screen Time application. This new iOS app had been introduced not too long ago, just earlier in the year. What I saw left a knot in my stomach.
I couldn’t believe it! My social networking screen time was well over 4 hours for the day. The majority of that time having been spent on Instagram.
I could not believe it. I felt strange that I had spent 25% of the 16 hours a day I am awake scrolling through a social media platform. It forced me to reflect! How was this app influencing me? How did it make me feel? What did I really get out of it?
A screen shot of my screen time application on iOS. I have since deleted Facebook since starting this article.
I deleted my Instagram account shortly after. Since then, I have experienced great shifts in my mood, self-esteem and self-worth. I decided to spend time reflecting now, almost a year later, on my decision to end my long-term tumultuous love affair with the app.
I had been using Instagram for around 5 years as a means to share achievements, moments in my life, funny anecdotes and experiences.
I remember the day I signed up for the app in February 2014, I was eager to finally be on this platform that filled peoples lives with colourful images, trendy places, travel, food and memes. I remember wanting to be a part of this world so badly. Five years on, I desperately wanted out of this one sided sort of relationship I had with Instagram.
What had changed?
How did I get to resent a phone application so much?
While I see the amazing benefits of Instagram in boosting self-esteem, body positivity and self-promotion, the app had over time began to create a great expectation within myself to create content. That is, I felt immense pressure to conjure content on a daily basis, even when I did not feel inspired to do so. I believe it was FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) as we now call it.
A selfie with some of the filters available on iPhone Messenger.
I was resistant at first to accept this as the truth but I now wholly see it as a reality. This was not only myself missing what others were up to, but also a fear of not posting what I was doing. It was as if I was searching and curating every moment of my life in order to share something meaningful. While this sounds nice from this level of entry, it was in fact quite anxiety inducing. There was a need to constantly puppeteer myself in order to appear funny, engaging, inquisitive, smart and active at all times, even when I was feeling down or unproductive.
Then, there was the incessant, scary need for likes and comments.
Let’s get into that.
I’m not sure if this is an embarrassing confession or not – or if others do this too (yes, I mean you) – but by the end of my time on Instagram I would be constantly refreshing my feed and checking notifications after posting content. Seriously, I did not think it was a problem until I was free from it. I had built some sort of need for feedback that would influence my self worth directly. If I posted a funny story, were people watching it? Who was watching it? Did I get any comments? Am I funny? Do people think what I am doing is worth following? How many likes did I get?
It seriously ruined me. I hated that I was so stuck on what people thought of me online. My real life was not filled with good angles and filters. I began to feel disingenuous. If I could be engaging online, make my friends laugh, I could just as well do it in real life.
The next hurdle I struggled with was sharing personal news with my friends. I was reliant on social media to sort of act as my megaphone to talk about my achievements with others, or to promote events I was a part of. Now, I have learned to live without a need to advertise my activities or myself. In a way, I think I learned that I could be proud of myself without needing others to validate the sentiment.
Now, almost a year on after ending my time on the platform, I am finding myself not minding a bit of internet silence. I no longer experience any anxious feelings about my social media presence, and since starting this article I have also deleted my Facebook page. My days of feeling as though my accomplishments weren’t real unless I posted about them feel far away.
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Written By: Defne Inceoglu
Edited By: Eseohe Ojo
Thats true